


Down

by FKAErinElric



Series: Family Forever [24]
Category: Thunderbirds
Genre: After Jeff's disapearance, Depression, Gen, John feeling bad about himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:32:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9393797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FKAErinElric/pseuds/FKAErinElric
Summary: After searching for what seemed like forever for their father John becomes overwhelmed with depression





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I realized I forgot to post this story. Its supposed to be the tenth story. I believe the one I titled After Impact mentioned John's occasional fights with depression and here is the story that covers it. Warning mentions of obviously depression, low self esteem and other low thoughts.

John frowned at the computer in front of him. It had been nearly a month since their father went missing and he was nowhere closer than what he was before. His frustration was growing by the minute. He felt like a failure. Despair was weighing heavily on him, he knew not to give into his darker thoughts but they were creeping into his mind by the minute.

            He patted his face trying to maintain his focus. “Come on John, keep it together.” He couldn’t recall the last time he had slept a decent amount of time or had a good meal. Catching cat naps and eating like a bird wasn’t unheard of for him however at least once in a while he’d take a break. But not this time he just kept pushing himself and pushing. He had the best computers in all of Earth, capable of finding a fly on a cow in the farms of Iowa, but he couldn’t find one fifty year old man in an air craft.

            _Because you’re a failure_. He frowned and shook his head. “No don’t think like that.” He glared at the screen as if it was its fault. “Come on John. You got the highest grades in school; you can do anything with this system. Don’t do this to yourself.”

            A message flashed up on the screen. **User has not had adequate sleep in nearly 24 hours**. That damn computer. As a fail-safe his father wanted Brains to program the computer to shut its self-off whenever John hadn’t taken a break for a while. Although John never told either of them he could easily bypass it he made a promise to his father to stop whenever it ordered him too.

            He bite his lip weighing his options; he could keep pushing it or just stop. _Not like you can find him anyways_. “Not again. Stop it John stop it.” He berated himself. His stomach growled and a wave of dizziness hit him. When was the last time he ate? Or even drank for that fact? Another dizzy spell. He grabbed on to the console and sighed. He was defeated.

            “What was I thinking I can’t do this.” He shook his head. Another dizzy spell hit and he felt darkness around him. Oh no, he was about to pass out.

            He pushed himself off of the console as it gave another warning about his health. If he remembered right about this time the computer would contact home and advise them on his health. He floated to the space elevator figured he’d save them the trouble and just take himself home.

            John honestly couldn’t recall he ride back down to Earth but the next thing he knew there was a very angry Virgil pulling him up to his feet.

            “Jesus John, what happened to you?”

            Scott was by his side so fast he was almost a blur. “Damn it. How many times do we have to go through with this. John you have to,”

            “Scott, stop it and help me.” Snapped Virgil

            Virgil rarely snapped. John felt a cringe of guilt. It was his fault. He leaned on his younger brother as Scott ran to get a stretcher to get him to sick bay. John maybe the thinnest out of him but his height made him hard to carry down there.

            “When was the last time you ate?” Scott asked as he pulled up the stretcher.

            “Don’t ‘member,” he grumbled. He was getting to tired to talk now his energy was low.

            “Got to get some fluids in him.” Virgil said to himself as he got a better look at his older brother.

            The pair took John down to sick bay and got him on a bed. John heard them talking to someone he figures its Brains. Next thing he hears is Alan screaming.

            “What happened to him?”

            “He hasn’t been eating or drinking anything in nearly a day, possibly.” Said Virgil as he got an IV in him

            Scott was leaning over him. His eldest brother looked like a looming giant in that moment. Not only had John failed his father he failed his oldest brother too. “This again John? I thought we had a decision about this before?”

            Scott’s normal caring tone was replaced by annoyance. He glared at John making the red head want to hide somewhere anywhere. “I um…”

            “Scott stop it! He doesn’t need this right now!” Yelled Virgil, he gave him juice to bring up his blood sugar.

            John heard Gordon announce his presence as he came into the med bay. Ignoring the medic’s warning Scott lay in on Virgil.

            “Then when Virgil, after he dies up there on that space station!”

            John wished he could make himself disappear at any moment. He tried to sink into the bed as the two went to war with one another.

            “Let him recover!” Virgil screamed, he then shook his head and took a deep breath. Virgil had worked on his stress relieving skills with deep breathing. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t. “Look Scott, we are all a little stressed. Ever since dad went missing,”

            “I don’t see why you guys are stressed! Not like any sudden responsibilities was thrust on you!”

            And just then John’s savior stepped in. “Did you ever consider maybe John has been looking for dad, day in and day out since he went missing?” Said Alan.

            “Yeah, while we have been down here doing our own thing he’s been up there dealing with it.” Said Gordon in agreement.

            “Alone.” Mumbled Alan

            John frowned and looked down at his hands. He felt Scott looking at him, but he didn’t want to see him. He knew how Scott was he could read him like a book usually.

            “Is that true John?”

            John nodded. “I’ve been running for so long. I think I forgot how to stop.” He was feeling like a miserable failure again wanting to disappear from his brother’s sight.

            He could sense it in Scott’s voice he felt guilty about how he treated him. “Oh God… Johnny why didn’t you tell us?”

            He looked up at him at least. He could feel the sting of tears in the back of his eyes. “Because it’s my job.” He couldn’t fight the tears giving in he started crying. “I’m the space monitor. I have the best computer in all of Earth but I can’t find dad.” He sobbed loudly, “I’m nothing but a failure. Just like I always am.”

            “John,” Scott started. He reached out to him but Virgil got there first.

            “It’s okay John, you did you’re best.” Virgil looked at Scott giving him the we need to talk look.

            It was clear to them now John was going through a bout of depression. They all knew what it was like for him when he was depressed; John would close himself off from the family forget to eat, sleep or anything. Virgil sighed looking over at his older brother. He had seen John this down about three or four times in his life. Well truly down like he is now. Virgil knew that he would snap out of it but it would take a while.

            Scott spoke up snapping Virgil out of his thoughts. “Virg how about you and I have a little talk outside; Gordon make something for John to eat,”

            “Something light. We don’t need him to have an upset stomach.” Said Virgil

            “Yeah, and Alan you stay with John.”

            The group went their separate ways and Alan sat in a chair by John’s bed. The youngest Tracy reached out and took his older brother’s hand. “You okay?”

            John gave a small nod, “I guess I am.” His voice was weak and soft. Alan frowned he hated seeing him like this.

            The two had always been close since as far back as Alan could remember. He remembered making a promise to his mother once that he’d look out after John even though he was older than him. Alan always took that promise to heart and anytime his older brother was hurting it hurt him. Giving John’s hand a good squeeze he said, “Just so you know, I don’t think you’re a failure.”

            John gave a weak smile. “Thanks Alan.”

            Alan nodded. “I think you’re pretty cool, and you’re like,” He was getting ready to say when the door opened and their Grandmother walked in. “Oh hi Grandma.”

            “Don’t you hi grandma me. I want to talk to John,” she looked at Alan and nodded to the door. “Alone please.”

            Alan nodded and got up from his chair. He cast a glance back at John before leaving the room.

            Grandma crossed her arms and sighed. She looked down at her second grandson. He seemed much thinner than the last time she seen him, his eyes looked dull and dark circles were underneath them. She shook her head, “I really wish you’d talk about things until they got this bad.” She said her tone was calm. She had seen plenty of dust ups with Jeff over John’s behavior from time to time. While the second child would gladly open up to his mother and occasionally Alan he had a tendency to shut out others when he felt ‘threatened’

            “I know…” he ran his hand through his hair. She never seen him look so exhausted. “I should have talked to you guys about it. I should have listened to Scott and suspend the search… I should have come up with something to look for him automatically while I rested, I should have,”

            “Hey, hey that’s enough beating up yourself.” She placed a hand on his check. “I don’t think you can take any more of that. You already look a fright.”

            He smirked. “I know. I do have mirrors on five you know.” He shook his head as she tried to fix his hair. “I realized that…” he trailed off when she tried again to get his hair to lay right. “Grandma you know my hair will not do that, right?”

            “I know. But I figured I’d try. Maybe you’d get a laugh out of it.”

            He smiled at her. Grandma always had her own ways to make him smile. “I realized a long time ago I was in trouble. I couldn’t get myself to stop… stop thinking about how I messed up, how I’m a failure. How dad wouldn’t be proud if he,” He stopped himself. Looking for his father’s approval was something he always did even as an adult.

            “Now stop that John. You know your dad would have been proud of the work you do. He told you that all the time right?”

            He nodded. “He also told me he was worried if I got too tied up in my work… or isolated myself from the family for too long.”

            “All legit concerns if you ask me.” She reached out and took his hand. “For what it’s worth I’m proud of you. I’m sure your brothers are too and I don’t ever want to see you like this again okay? You start feeling like this again you come home. Don’t lock yourself up there for days until you’re body gives out.”

            “I know,”

            She squeezed his hand. “Promise John, you promise me.”

            “I promise Grandma.”

            “Good,” she said letting go of his hand.

            John smiled at her warmly. “Thanks Grandma.” He felt himself getting sleepy and heard her tell him to get some rest. John drifted off into peaceful sleep dreaming about the times back in Kansas with his family. He knew his family had his back no matter what happened to him or what his state of mind was.


	2. Slow Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott reminds John that he has his back

If John was being honest there were many parts of his life he’d like to forget. More than he can count if he really wants to be truthful. He’s been at home for nearly two days after his forced return to Earth. And since his return a family member has always been around.

            He cast a glance over to Virgil who is playing at the piano. John himself has mostly been trying to read but he’s finding it hard to concentrate. He frowns at his book words no longer making sense to him.

            He feels eyes on him and looks at his younger brother who immediately looks away. John wasn’t sure which was worse being babied or having his brothers look at him like he was a wild animal.

            John knew and understood their behavior. It was his own he never understood. Something that bugged him since he could remember. While he may be smart he sometimes lacked the emotional strength of his brothers. He locked things away, pushed problems aside until it hit a breaking point. And once John Tracy broke he was finished. John was on the mend recovering so to speak. He received great many ‘let’s talk it out’ conversations with his family with various degrees of success. He was feeling better of course but Scott didn’t want him on Thunderbird 5.

            Scott had seen John fall down into his darkest depths. After their mother’s death John took it hard, he was trapped with her he remembered it well. After he returned from the hospital and his family tried to pull him closer to them, John ran and locked himself in his bed room. That was John’s solution to hard situations, run. Not that he didn’t love his family he just needed distance. His isolationist behavior made his eldest brother beg his dad not to send John to Thunderbird five.

            John surprised a smirk. Honestly what was Scott thinking, John wasn’t good enough to be on regular rescues. John pushed that thought aside. John was the most qualified to do what he does. Plus he’d probably hurt himself on a rescue as his brothers like to point out.

            John suddenly noticed a shadow standing over him. He looked up to see Virgil.

            “Well since you’ve been pretending to read for the last five minutes I figured I’d ask if you wanted lunch.”

            He smiled. “Sure Virgil.”

            The pair wondered down to the kitchen. The two had a connection with one another. Both were very close to their mother, and both nearly died during the accident that claimed their mother.

            Virgil patted John on the shoulder and headed over to the fridge. “I’ll make your favorite.”

            John sat down at the table. “Nice to have someone cook for me.”

            Virgil as the second unofficial chief of the family, something that he likes to flaunt when the real family cook is around.

            John stared out into space for a second before he asked, “You think Scott will let me return to Thunderbird five anytime soon?”

            Virgil sighed as he started the waffles. “You want me to talk to him again?” He looked back at his older brother who at that moment really looked like a little kid.

            John was fiddling with the ends of his shirt sleeve thinking. “If it’ll help.” He whispered. Scott and him hadn’t been on speaking terms since the blow up in the med bay. Not that Scott was mad at John per say just more frustrated at the situation. John understood how Scott worked, Scott felt every action of his brother’s was like his own plus he never wanted him so far away from them anyways.

            Virgil had tried repeatedly to get Scott to stop John’s space exile but Scott insisted he needed more time. Virgil however felt John was fine now… although at first probably not. He knew John just wanted to avoid the confrontation with Scott but… he took in a breath and turned to John as he sat a plate down in front of him. “Talk to Scott. I know you can do it you’ve done it before.”

            John flinched. He hated fighting, avoided any sort of fighting he could. If something was too difficult for him to talk to his dad about he’d send in Scott or Virgil. He never had to do it with his own siblings before though. He frowned and began eating on his food. “I guess I could.”

            “I think you should. And if it goes sideways I’ll straighten him out. Plus I can vouch for you, you’re in good shape now.”

            John nodded. He’d talk to Scott later.

 

            John wondered into the lounge were Scott was behind the desk trying to make sense out of some emails. “Scott,” He addressed him his voice sounding smaller than what he wanted to.

            Scott looked up at him. “Oh hi John,” he pushed the tablet away. “What’s up?”

            John took a deep breath. “I was hoping I could finally return to my ship. I’m starting to miss space and work and…”

            Scott cocked an eye brow and crossed his arms. “John,”

            “Please Scott,” He lowered his head. “I won’t do it again.” His voice trembled. He felt a hand on his shoulder. How did Scott move so fast?

            “John, its fine.” Scott pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. And I’m sorry it took me so long to apologize. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay before you went back.” He let him go. “Would I rather you not go, of course but we need you.”

            John smiled. “Thanks Scott. And don’t worry I understand.”

            Scott nodded. “Tell ya what. I want you to call me every night when you can. I want you to know that there’s someone here for you.”

            John felt a small sting of tears. “I already talk to Alan every night.” He said teasingly

            “Well talk to me, and maybe you can help me with this business crap. Because I have no idea what I’m doing.”

            “Okay Scott.” He said giving him a small smile

            “You need to take better care of yourself though, okay. I know things have been tough. Hell it’s been tough on all of us just remember that.”

            “I know.” Said John, he nodded. “I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

            Scott sat his hand on John’s shoulder. “You made all of us worry Johnny. Just remember you’re not alone. We are all here for you if something happens.”

            “I’ll remember that.” John reached out and hugged Scott.

            It had been a hard few days for John and the family as a whole but John could say that he felt the best he had felt in a long while.


End file.
